Nightvision
or How I Got Out Of Trouble.

I have a few friends whom I’ve known for
a long time who I consider to be idealists.
There is nothing more inspiring, or contagious
of pure joy, than to see the spark of their idealism
survive, despite the myriad of challenges that they've endured.
Like the tempering of steel, I’ve witnessed their goodness
become more real.

A few years ago, I went to the emergency room
with a painful and lingering situation that I assumed
was an advanced sinus infection.

Without going into all the details, upon seeing
the CT scan of my noggin that evening, the ENT doctor on staff
told me that my situation was dire and he “didn’t
want to give me false hope." From the look of things on
the image, there were broken skull bones, brain involvement and a lot
of speculation and concern.

This left me with ten days of heavy contemplation
between receiving that news and an emergency surgery appointment.
Surgery would be the only way to truly uncover the mystery, but it wouldn’t be without risks. One of the things my surgeon relayed to me in our first meeting was, “if you should go blind after surgery don’t panic, I’ll fix it.” There was a mass and there would be biopsies--
all very sudden adult and mortal themes.

I immediately became aware of the grand mystery (miracle) of
autonomic function, frankly even of life itself. Knowing that music, even on a basic skill level, is icing on the cake of the already amazing base level of brain function, I became
unprecedentedly aware and thankful for my personal experience of life.

Suddenly the pressures of trying to write songs with
agenda (hit single, career changing, synch-worthy, critically acclaimed etc.,) seemed silly. I always felt it was important to “be yourself,” but now I felt how lucky one is to simply be able to “be” “yourself."

I also realized the futility in being stuck in feelings of self-loathing…feelings that had grown in relation to the current state of “selfie” narcissism, and not wanting to inject more ego into the already clogged bandwidth. I found it disillusioning that a record release
announcement on social media gets equal billing with a successfully executed chicken recipe.

I was very conscious of the fact that I might very well have either limited time left, or limited function, or a combination of both realities. One message from a deeper part of myself was clear, “Leave YOUR music behind.” It also occurred to me to follow that leading if I were to be re-gifted life after what I was about to go through.

In all humility, I think that I am still digesting some of the
concepts that occurred to me during that 10 day spell.

At that point in time, this record had already been mixed and in the can
for about a year. In truth, before all of this occurred, I hesitated putting the record out because I didn’t like that it was so dark and heavy. I had the concept and the title but I didn’t know what it meant or why. I simply didn’t want to be a downer.

After going through the health hurdle I waited to put the record out
because I didn’t feel up to it physically.
It took about eight months post surgery to
re-learn how to sing which was weird in its own right.

Even at its inception I toyed with calling the record
“Music On Hold.” Hmmm.

In retrospect I see that this record was a sort of
foreshadowing for me. I was about to go through
a dark and confusing time that would inevitably
make the record “real” for me.

I no longer perceive it to be a dark record.
Somehow now it feels light and uplifting to me.

Generic shame, false humility and pet insecurities
are virtually nonexistent when faced with the possibility
of losing earthly life. Honestly they seem like “luxuries"
when viewed in that particular light. They are some of the luxuries that exist within the illusion of immortality-- our shared collective denial, which lasts until it is challenged by the inevitable reality that we all intend to postpone for as long
as we can.

Thankfully I can say that given the situation, I feel
like I got through that surgery etc., in a “best case
scenario” way. I have had hurdles since, but overall I am extremely
lucky. I’m still here and for that I am thankful.

I once had a famous producer who’s work I admire
tell me that I’m never going to “make it” because
my music is “too musical” and people don’t really
like or care about music. It took me a long time to realize that I’m not
making music to “make it.” I now know it’s okay to make music
just to make it.

Sam Smith, my co-producer on this record, is one of the friends that I spoke about earlier. He reminded me of the person I was
when we first met 17 years ago, and then he kept reminding me.
We bonded over our love of music then as we do now.

This record could also not exist were it not for
the same loving support from my brother Marc, James Haggerty,
and my wife, Jennie.

In the humble hope for all,
that idealism survives the night of despair,

Joe
March 2015